"Don't come to me with that bullshit that being single is better than being in a relationship", my friend says, "That's something single people say to feel better or out of ignorance".
This was his response when I told him that I'm just fine the way I am, good in life, in the right position on the right moment with the right people - without a partner.
But what is it, that makes life so different between being single and being in a relationship?
To answer this question I must make a distinction in the superficiality and perspective at which you can answer this question;
● Dates, sex, company, friendship, time? no ● A deeper connection, someone to always count on? no
● Another kind of social interaction, one to satisfy your social needs or wants? no
I will look at this question from a selfish, egocentric point of view of a young adult. Or - in better words - from a view of self-development and personal growth, for people who have not yet realized (and hopefully they never will) their final mental state.
The beautiful thing about a relationship is the disagreement, the other perspective on the entire world and life, and so naturally the ability to LEARN. The possibility to broaden your view, to put on a different kind of goggles when looking at common things you've accepted a long time ago, to think about things you never gave attention or never even considered to be things people thought about, to solve problems in a different way and so on. You grow together, compliment eachother, help eachother in becoming a better person, indirectly making the world a better place. The cost of this, unavoidably, is the mental 'formation' that comes with it. You create habits together, expectations, views on the world. You lose directions in which to grow and become less free when growing in one. Just like education, friendship, parenthood, society and so on formed you, your partner forms you too. Only this formation, depending on the deepness of the both of you, is totally different than any other and may have a bigger impact than your friends or parents have. Again, this is not in itself a bad thing: you learn and gain perspectives. If you stay together with that person for the rest of your life: great. You are built, intertwingled, melted together and are able to get the most out of that. If not it may still have positive consequences on your life. But, it does affect you and may limit you in becoming the true self that you would have become without that certain person. It may block your true potential and/or it may amplify it.
Also in future relationships you are biased as you now have accumulated images of what your relationship should be and so does your partner. Adjusting to a new person requires change - which people hate - and active work to unlearn certain habits and patterns. The bar has been raised in all past relationships and it has to be lowered again. Most people seem to do this without problem when in the dating phase. It is the meaningful deeper relationship that may follow after the dating phase that is difficult to accomplish and maintain when the 'this-is-what-a-relationship-should-be-bar' isn't lowered.
Ofcourse this is just speculation - a brain figment. As argumentation I will give the common trends we see that old people are more likely to vote conservative, less likely to start new relationships or refuse to accept new opinions and perspectives. They have lived for a longer time, have thought about a lot, have been formed way longer than you have been and have made up their minds countless of times. What do you even know, you unexperienced youngling who's opinion isn't worth as much as theirs? This is based on no papers whatsoever so feel free to do the research and maybe destroy this post as this is all pure intuition and speculation.
In conlusion: relationships may be a limiting factor in your mental growth to becoming a person you would have like to have been - but you will never know as your goal of who you'd want to become changes (without you knowing it) when you are together with that certain person. You learn and gain new perspectives, while you lose 'unformed brain paths'. You can never know upfront if the relationship will be positive or negative for your future development. It is a double edged sword that will give and take from you and what the net result is is hidden information for us to never discover. This is not a discouragement to get into a relationship - I love being in one - but merely a brain figment.
-
Day Brake
Comments