I picture my brain as a box of thoughts and experiences and I'm just showcasing the ones worth sharing.
Unfulfilled Liberosis is a testimony of inner conflict between reason and emotion. Even though I have this Liberosis, this longing to move on and be free, I convince myself over and over that I'm still not ready to stop clinging onto the past. I overthink and over-dramatize everything to the point that my life is just one big hyperbole of what is actually going on. Even while I'm conscious of my own exaggeration, I have to have an outlet for these thoughts when things seem worse than they actually are to remind myself it's not so bad after all. That's what this project is; a permanent work in progress, a series of thoughts meant to spark some self-reflection.
Teenage yearn for unfeigned pleasure
The first poem I wrote back in February of 2019 is called 'teenage yearn for unfeigned pleasure' and is based on the movie My Private Idaho and a quote by Oscar Wilde which goes as follows: the only thing that one never regrets is one's mistakes. I've related to this numerous times: I would commit a lot of my mistakes from the past again in a heartbeat, either knowing where'd I end up, or just because the bad consequences were worth it anyway.
Blinded by the sight of a single sign in the night illusioned by the slight chance that I might fulfill this need despite the fact that we shared nothing but experiences I looked through rose-tinted lenses despite my eerie senses that it didn't make sense because the essence of a bond between people can't be defined by just their shared time together Clouded grey moods like November-weather it only came from one side; my side And in hindsight I shouldn't have been blindsided by my endeavor: the teenage yearn for unfeigned pleasure
Encuentros y pérdidas en traducción
My second poem, written around March of 2019, 'Encuentros y pérdidas en traducción' was written to cope with the struggles of being multilingual. Sure, I get that the positives outweigh the negatives on this subject but there are some times when I am struggling to form sentences in a single language or times when what I want to say comes out as absolute gibberish. I wanted to write this in Spanish to honor my Mexican heritage at least a little bit because in a mainly Flemish-centered life, I've had difficulties maintaining Mexican cultural habits and above all, an acceptable level of Spanish.
Sentimientos perdidos como nubes en el aire Cómo salgo de mis palabras sin asfixiarme? Entre tres idiomas y miles pensamientos Y todo lo que sale de frases lo lamento Cada una de ellas no dicen lo que quiero Ay, cómo me gustaría que sabrán a lo que refiero (el mensaje verdadero) Porque mis palabras no escapan del alma sin denigración Y cuando sí saldrán en paz estará mi corazón
Candide
The third poem, based on unsent love letters, which I wrote around April-May of 2019, is called 'Candide', like the Voltaire novel. I implemented a literal Smiths lyric ('nature is a language, can't you read?', from Ask), because it's a great quote and because it fit exactly in the theme I was going for in this poem: the hopeless trials of explaining to someone why they should give you a chance.
My sense of reality is warped by reflection I can't even fathom the idea of perfection It's the omnipresent adolescence in action Am I chasing a high or is this actual attraction? Head over heels, questioning beliefs and ideals Not sure of anything, except my appeals I'm only just becoming human, can't you see And nature is a language, can't you read? Your instincts are worse than my eyesight And I'm already half-blind These focals won't help you see more clearly And these vocals won't make you understand sincerely that fate indeed exists and you're undoing it Face it and embrace it! before even fate decides it's no longer worth pursuing it
Eventually
'Eventually' is one of my darkest poems to date (written in June, 2019), and is about self-diagnosis and trying to fix your mental issues by yourself instead of seeking help. I wanted to experiment with odd cadence here and also wanted to incorporate a little homage to Small Thoughts. Rereading it more than half a year later, it's kind of hard to relate to, but this was my state of mind at the time. Like my work in photography, it represents a moment in time, a memory of a feeling. That's kind of the point of Unfulfilled Liberosis.
I have things pressing but I wail in my sorrows I have friends to talk to but I keep most to my own my sockets are hollow, pockets are empty my cover's been blown Have to face my demons in agony, gotta fight em alone I know it's in my fantasy but have it written in stone that the feelings were honest but my timing was poor I've used up my energy, I've got nothing in store So now these small thoughts are causing big reflections if nothing lasts forever, than why does rejection drowning in a sea of past tenses and late reactions hope I'll come to my senses and wash up ashore
Lamento: La via smarrita
Although the title 'Lamento: La via smarrita' doesn't suggest this, this is a poem in Dutch, written in November of 2019. Aside from the title, I put some imagery from the first verse of the Divine Comedy by Dante in this poem, to further simulate the feelings of despair, fear and anxiety.
Een diepe zucht met beide ogen dicht, mijn zware adem bevriest in de koude Beide handen bedekken mijn gezicht, ik moet mijn tranen terughouden De tast in het duister is wat me angst aanjaagt, de slok van het onbekende doet me beven Want mist en overwoekerde wildernis hebben mijn pad vervaagd, zelfs verdreven Ik krijg plots het huiverend besef: het naderend spoor loopt dood, ik kan niet omkeren en ik kan geen andere wegen in Ik hoop op een uitweg, een verlossing uit de grootste nood, zowaar een zegening Op't eind van m'n zinnen begeef ik me in de selva oscura, zo wild en dicht begroeid Mijn zicht me bestolen, ik bezeer me aan elke tak, word na elke stap meer vermoeid Uiteindelijk hangt mijn loodzwaar hoofd laag op bebloede schouders Ik moet ooit opgeven zegt iedereen, al wint de aanhouder
Sixty-four AD
Written in January of 2020, the poem titled 'Sixty-four AD' represents feelings of helplessness and guilt towards worldly problems. I've cut multiple endings to this poem because it takes away from the broadness of the beginning and I don't want to spoil the poem of its nuances by over-explaining the meaning, so let's just say this is applicable for a lot of things right now and I'll let the reader imagine an ending.
Too busy online while Rome's on fire Our will to survive turned to cold desire We still make up lies that Others ignite Turned a blind eye, too slow to realize we're Rome’s newest Nero, pictured as a hero Judged by machines who only see in ones and zeroes can’t satisfy our Ego but Gaia’s screams come nearer Ignorance posted up in front of the mirror We see the bags under our eyes grow bigger tired of it all but can’t grasp the bigger picture ‘cause an effort’s too much and we’re afraid to listen
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